I hate this feelings

Jari aku masih terketar waktu menaip entri ni. Jantung aku, apatah lagi. Berdegup dalam kelajuan maksimum mengepam darah ke seluruh tubuh aku yang aku sendiri tak berapa pasti berapa laju. Seolah mengepam darah yang aku sendiri takutkan.

Aahh, aku benci perasaan macam ni. Jujur aku benci. Macam cuba memerangkap aku dalam jasad aku sendiri.

Aku takut. Kenapa dengan aku. Kenapa perkara buruk terjadi bila aku tak dapat kawal diri aku. Sampai bila aku nak hadap benda begini? Kenapa orang lain boleh buat, kenapa aku tak boleh? Waktu-waktu begini, aku rasa aku manusia paling tak guna. Aku tak boleh buat apa-apa.

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Tadi, lepas hantar adik-adik kecik balik rumah. Aku bagitahu Ania yang aku nak cuba belajar drive kereta. Then she said ok. Then, aku cuba drive--dia duduk sebelah. I admit that she's a fast learner that me even aku yang sulung. So aku rasa macam--okay, loser.

Waktu start drive tu, ok. Then waktu nak u-turn and suddely 'tak jadi' sebab ada kereta lalu. It was like, aku terus belok then naik bukit. You know what? -- tak lepas. I've panic attack and waktu nak naik bukit tu still dapat control diri sendiri supaya tenangkan diri sendiri and control situation. Anyah kat passenger seat, dah ckp "jangan panik. Jangan panik."

NO. I'm no. I'm not. 

You know, waktu tu aku sepenuh daya aku cuba paksa diri aku supaya JANGAN PANIK--BUT I CAN'T. Aku rasa, darah aku semua berkumpul dekat kepala. I still pushing and telling myself supaya JANGAN PANIK. Tiba-tiba, enjin kereta mati. Tengah nak naik bukit tu. I was like-- YA ALLAH.

Then a strange feelings of mine, datang. Telling me that "you can't do every thing right. Loser."

I tried to just--start the car and go! Seriously I can't. Ada sorang hamba Allah ni datang and nak tolong kitorang. I think-- I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE and decided to just accepts his help. Feeling GLAD and USELESS at the same time. But that 'USELESS' feelings more high than I can imagined. Told you I can't do anything right.

Bet, you will telling me that 'its okay, its okay. You can do better next time'

NO. I'M NOT OKAY! Its happened every time -- EVERY TIME! And I bet it will never get better. Feels like I'm not a humans at all. Now my brains tend to recall all yhe bad things happened in my past. Tend to drop my confidence level maybe.

Feels like I wanna cry right now but I'll make myself look even loser