It wont calm down

2010HRS

Mama mengamuk. Menjerit satu rumah sebab  Nuhrul & Iftiar tak mandi lagi. Dah nak masuk Isyak dah. Aku dalam bilik. Still with my panic attack yang tak reda lagi. Bila dengar suara mama menjerit macam tu, deep down in my heart-- aku rasa nak terjun bangunan. Its hurt a lot. Then, my panic attack become worse. I can't stop myself from feeling like 'this'

Mama marah diorang. But everytime kalau mama marah one of us, she will related to all of us.
"Tak ada disiplin langsung!" -she meant all of us.

"Tak pernah nak buat mama happy!" - i guess its me.

"Suruh belajar taknak belajar!" - its my brother

"Yang kecik ke yang besar ke sama je!"

"MALANG BETUL NASIB DAPAT ANAK MACAM KORANG NI!" - i guess its more to me.

My panic attact become more worse. Tangan aku terketar-ketar.

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Please give me some time. I wanna be a writer, mom. Let me live in my own world.  Currently writing a novel and decided to sent to publisher. I wont even bother your life. You can just let me starving.

I can't tell you this by myself because I know how you would react to my decision. I wont even say anything either because I know every words that come out from my mouth, totally wrong and not even seems right to you.

My panic attack wont calm down. I wanna hit myself