Never understands

When mom and me confronted with each other on other day (21/1/18),

She asked me.

"Why are you keeping those negatives vibes in yourself?" , "Why dont you push or dodge it away?"

Because I dont mind keeping it by myself. I dont want others to get hurt. "What if they get hurt and become like I did right now?"

"Why you need to cares for others feelings?"

I shut my mouth. I already have the answer. Ready to spit it out but-- I can't.

Why you need to cares for others feelings?

I recalls her questions again. It scared me a lot. My mind trying hard to tell me that she isnt even trying to understand me by questioning every things I did. (Well she's always been like that.)

I dont know why she's asked me that questions. Is she didn't even aware her own questions like I did? I mean, I got the point. All of you are my family. Of course I need to take care of your feeling. I'm not letting any negatives or bad things throw it up to you even it is just a word. I'm trying to protect you from my own self!

I can spotted that.. She thinks that "word is just a word. Nothing more than that."

Compared to me. I swallowed every word, processing it, filtering any deep meaning behind of it and keeping it by myself.
But now I can no longer keep the happy one.

Because I'm afraid if I let everything out, everyone would be hurt so much, like you did to us. You're the one who said that I'm not even a good daughter to you. Never bring any happiness or good moment to you.

"Why??" She asked the same questions again. Waiting an answers from me

I shut my mouth.

"You should do it like me. Push and dodge the negatives vibes that your father always throw it to me."

"And then? Just say whatever you want without think of others feeling?"

"Yeah!", "That's how it works!"

Speechless. My heart crushed so hard after heard her answers. I'm no longer believe that she can help me nor giving me any comfort.

I can't.  I cant even follow her way of suggestions. I rather die. Because I know It will eat me alive slowly

I believe, dad who are the one who cant even manages his negative vibes and throw it to mom and mom dodge it and take it out on us.

I barely have any good or happy memories to cherish to.  Its all gone.
I keep recalled every negatives memories wherever I go. Its like the negatives vibes shrinking my brains day by day. I wish I could stop thinking about it

She even said.
"You're the one who hardly to taken care of among your siblings." (From the tones of her voices, I know that she's asking me to not to create anymore trouble for her and dad anymore because she has so much enough troubles)

Its not like I purposely create it and bring troubles to everyone. I dont even know it exists.

I keep thinking. Should I apologize when I already keep apologized to myself thousand times after all this time. All of our conversations, I couldnt find any of her words was on my side or make me feel at ease or could help me. Every each of it just pointed all of it like just my mistakes. None of it was hers.

I wanna go to somewhere no one know me