For our own good

0912 HRS

Baru lepas solat dhuha, solat pertama dhuha untuk tahun 2018 ni.

Aku masih lagi duk dalam bilik. Tak keluar. Few minutes ago lepas solat dhuha, terdengar mama raised her voices

"Mama ni hidup ke mati ke, korang taktahu. Haihh entahlah. *sounds veryyyyyy disappointed"

I'm sure she's meant it to me.

An ungrateful child who's had depressions prisoned her up in  her own rooms. Emotional trauma holding her up, protecting herself afraid to be hurt by anyone anymore.

An ungrateful child who had her panic attacks, and extreme anxiety of her parents. Yet scared to get out from her rooms.

Its true. Both of our heart breaks. Scattered, crushed a lot. By the way, it is not just both of us. Its all of us in our family members. Just, the othes is good and experts in hiding the feelings and their emotions so much better than mum. Because mum always telling ,yelling, scarcastically out loud about how she's feeling.

And that moments, I know that I need to get out from here. Told ya I need my time. My time for everything. My journey of my career path.

My hopes and strength keep dropping to. a lot and every time. You judges people a lot. Saying I'm spending my time with phones and laptop while I'm trying to find my way to fix our relationships.  Saying I do worse and bad things for every each of my efforts. You judged every-thing. Every single things that never satisfied you. I-LOSS-MY-WORD

I'm not blaming you for who you are right now. I know your childhood shaped you for who you are right now.

Its hard to gain strength to communicate to someone like you after trust is broken between us. So I tried to find way by communicated to Allah to help me and desperately need HIS help. Every time. everyday. PLEASE HELP ME YA ALLAH

If we can't stay together maybe we need to distances our self. So we can appreciate each other better in future. We need time to heal ourselves.

Mum. I tried to find way. Way to fix this up. Yet you still blame everthing to me instead of asking me what's wrong with us and do we need to fix so we can understands each others. 

Lagipun, aku tak sanggup nak mintak tolong apa apa lagi dari mama sebab aku tahu one day mama akan ungkit semua tu untuk attack people weaknesses

I know you're hurts so much. Me too. Much higher than that. Because I couldn't give you or repay for your kindness right now. Fulfilled what you want.

"Why dont you say anything?"

"Because I'm afraid that I might say anything that will break your hearts more. I'm shutting myself before everything get more worse, worse and worse. "

Trust Allah. He's the one who planned everything