Mom, I'm sorry

Tadi, mama masuk dalam bilik waktu aku tengah brainstorm idea untuk writings aku/while carrying her cellphones.

Of course I keep wondering what is she gonna talk about.

Tap. Tap. She clicking something in her phones and sat on my bed.

"Ni ha, ada iklan jawatan kosong dekat ****. Taknak mintak ke?"

I didn't even look at her after hearing her suggestions. I didn't say anything. Still, no answers from me.

"Tarikh tutup dia, bulan 6..."

Krikkk krikkk.. Still-- no answer from me.

"Hmmm.." That is the only thing I can reply to her suggestions before she leaved my rooms. How fool I am.

I can't even rejects her suggestion. It would hurt her feelings and I don't want her to sad.

I wanna say to her. I wanna say it so bad that I just wanna do my writings. But, I guess, none of it out from my mouth. My heart blocked it from saying anything. My brains and my mind keep saying that--

What are you gonna do if she doesn't approve your decisions? What if she totally rejected it without hearing any explanations from you? What if she attacked you with those sarcastic words. What are you gonna do? Then you will hear some word contains -- useless child! That I've waste her money for sending me to the college for 3 years, getting my diploma certificate and now end up just to do some writings and write novels?

What about your dreams? I can't even do anything straight, right now. Being a person like me that bear a lot of thinking-stress in my mind if I carried a lot of work. Bet that I will ruins everything. My depressions, my extreme level of anxieties with people-- i need a time.

She don't even know about it. I bet she will never understand it either. She will try to pull me out from my own world while keep yelling that I'm useless child. Since that-- I got no intentions to use my college certificates: my college certificates that using all her money-- to apply any job.

"ANAK TAK GUNA."

"MALANG BETUL DAPAT ANAK MACAM NI."

"MENYESAL AKU ADA ANAK MACAM NI."

"MEMBAZIR! BUANG DUIT AKU JE."

I'm sorry..
But those words.. Hurts me. A lot.

I can't even say anything to defend myself. Prefer to keep myself shut.
I can't even get it out from my head.
I'm crying a lot because of those words. I fall a lot. I tried to get up after being cursed by those words, but then I fall again.

I'm not mad to you.
Just mad to myself for being like this. I'm sorry for living as your daughter that can't give you any happiness so far. I did as much as I could. But maybe you never saw it. Never feel it or never realized it.

You know, I'm not that kind of person-- showing happiness through the money. I gave it through my own way which you never realizes it.

Or, maybe you thought.. Money is happiness? I'm sorry that I couldn't give you more money. I'm sorry.

I even prayed to Allah so HE will grant my dua's. So I'll got permissions to do my writings. For my life. I'm not chasing for money but I'm seeking for the meaning of my life.

Bet you'll say -- but to live you need money.

Hmm