The day after yesterday

Apa perasaan bila dengar je bunyi 'batuk' atau berdehem dari orang yang kau takutkan sangat?

Tak. Kau tak tahu.
Bila aku dengar je bunyi 'tapak kaki' atau bunyi 'batuk', fikiran aku akan terbayangkan macam-macam.

"He's gonna enter into my room and shouted at me for not getting out from my room
He's gonna yell at me for not talking to him and the others
He's gonna mocking me because I'm just keeping myself alone"

Pernah rasa tu?
I imagined the possibility that could happen to me. I need to ready. I need to protect myself eventhough I know I cant do anything at all. I dont even know why I need to protect myself? I mean, yeah. They are my parents.

Then my brains will automatically remember all the painful memories especially the moment he threw and breaks a lot of plates in front of me.
The sound of the broken plates, the flashbacks of dad pushing me hard to the wall in front of my friends 8 years ago.

Seriously I never tend to keep those in myself. Its hurt, why do I need to keep it? Then I realized it never leaves me.

Its .. Disturbing me, a lot.

Same goes about mom.

I can hardly cry when I remember only the slightest of the memories. Suddenly. It keep repeating the same things
I couldn't tell anything why--but its hurt.

Yesterday, mom confronted with me and asking me about my problems. She even asking me why I want to run away from my problems.

The most things I did remember is, she asking me why I remember those painful memories. Why I keep those negatives vibes inside of me?

My hands trembling under the blanket. I keep thinking about it. Its not even like a new questions to me. Actually, its been a long time that I already thought about it. Yet, I couldnt tell her the reasons why. I dont even have the answer and just keep crying because its so hurt to remember eventhough I dont want to.

I know she's trying to understand me. I know she's trying to help me. She want me to help myself either, but you know. It cant be settled for a day when it is more than a year memories.

I'm sorry Mom
Can we just communicate through writing for now? I cant explain verbally like before because of my anxiety and panic attacks even when you're trying to force me and asked me to tell everything why

What I only keep doing is--crying-- I dont know why either-- I dont have the answer-- I dont even know if I should telling all of this to her. Will her truly understands it

My anxiety always asking me

What if Mom asking me to change my behaviours right now? -- I MEAN RIGHT NOW

What if Mom telling , yelling to me again to get out from my room?

What if Mom disappointed with me? She will really disappointed with me

What if she think I'm humiliating her for having me as her child?

What if she think that I'm freak? I'm already be the one

What if she think that I'm useless?

What if she blaming me because I couldn't handle all of this

Probably I often think of 'what if' scenarios in my head just because I want to take care of their feelings but nothing goes right.

I dont blaming anyone. I couldn't. So I'm blaming myself instead. Because no one should be blame than myself.

I deserved all of it